REALLY, ANGELENA? ANOTHER BLOG?

Didn’t you have one that one time when you packed up and moved to Orlando to become a Disney Princess? (Okay, I moved to Orlando to work at Pizzafari in Animal Kingdom, but that’s the same thing, right?) And the answer is yes, yes I did. That was my first ever (failed) blog attempt. But it wasn’t a failure because I didn’t love writing (I do) or because I ran out of ideas (I didn’t) or even because the blog wasn’t pretty to look at (it was- shout out to my ex-boyfriend for making it). It was because I was lying to all the readers. I was attempting to portray this unrealistic image of myself. I was trying to create this persona that was always happy and always knew what to do and never felt like she was drowning in her own thoughts. But the truth of the matter is, I am an emotional wreck some days who doesn’t always know which path to take and needs a life vest to stay afloat in her 3 A.M. thoughts (such as these).

So here is my second shot at this whole blogging thing. This time, I am going to be honest with not only you guys- but myself too. I am not going to claim to have it all figured out and I am damn sure not going to sugar coat my feelings. I am going to spill out all my joy and heartache whenever and however I want to. I will not apologize for my messy mind and less-than pretty thoughts. I do not care who is reading this (hi mom). Another thing I will not be doing this time around is trying to teach you a lesson. I am in no place to do so.

My goal for this blog is this and only this: to make you feel something.

For those who keep up with my life via social media know that I just recently moved to Tampa to live with my best friend for the summer. That sounds wonderful, right? A summer full of making new memories with one of my favorite people is ahead. And it is wonderful. I am excited to be here. However, the series of (very) unfortunate events that led to me making this move are less than wonderful. Let me explain.

When I first moved back to Jacksonville from Disney World in late October, I was heartbroken and devastated. I had absolutely hated working for the mouse and my (now ex) boyfriend had cheated on me. I honestly couldn’t believe how drastically my life had changed in a matter of three short months. No longer was I the care free woman I was when I left. I had become this bitter and damaged girl who now had these insane barriers around her heart. Sure, I had been heartbroken before. But this time was so very different. Anyone who tells you that you cannot physically ache from a heartbreak has obviously never fallen in love with a gorgeous blue-eyed boy whose laugh made your heart full and whose kiss woke up every inch of your body. So, I did what any lost girl would do and I threw myself into work. I was working two jobs and purposely left very little free time for myself. I knew being alone meant thinking about the pain and I couldn’t let myself do that. I had a reputation to keep up, remember? So, I spent my days working too much and my nights drinking too much. That worked for me for a while. Then, in January, school started again. Roaming the campus where I had fallen in love with said boy was hard. My course load was hard. Working two jobs on top of it was hard. I left one of my jobs. Things got easier. I began to date again and invest my time in things worthwhile, such as an amazing internship opportunity in my field. Life was finally coming together again. But like I said, a series of very unfortunate events led to me leaving Jacksonville… so you know life didn’t stay together for long.

I began to notice that I did not have any interest in any of the boys I was seeing. I would have an amazing time with them, filled with laughter and kisses. But by the time they would text me the next day, the feelings would have passed and I was back to being emotionally unavailable. I was a bull in a china shop, literally destroying anyone and anything that attempted to get close to me. I would blame it on them not being able to keep up with me but deep down I knew it was because I wasn’t giving them the chance to. The second anyone got too close I would push them away, delete their number and move on (all the while complaining about how lonely I was).

My dating life was a mess but I was absolutely killing it in school and in my career. My classes were hard but I was learning so much. My serving job was making me great money and my internship was teaching me new skills. Once school ended and summer began, I started working more again. My internship filled my mornings and my serving job my evenings. I was still unhappy. But I was busy and that’s all that matters, right? WRONG. After quitting my serving job and my internship ending due to scheduling conflicts, I was more confused than ever. I questioned what was keeping me in Jacksonville and quickly realized: nothing was. The city that once held so many opportunities for me now felt like it was crumbling around me.

So I moved to Tampa to see what new surroundings could offer me. Thank you for joining me for this ride. Thank you for reading this unbelievably long first blog post.

Your searching soul,

Angelena