CLOSING THE DOOR THAT HAS BEEN OPEN FAR TOO LONG.

It’s that feeling you get when your favorite Netflix original tanks after just one season. It’s the feeling you get when the book you’re reading ends before the author answered all of your questions. It’s the feeling you get when someone you love stops loving you without any explanation.

“I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received.”

Like usual, I have spent the past few weeks attempting to stay afloat in all of the thoughts swimming around in my head. But unlike the usual, my thoughts have been circling around one thing: closure.

I am not going to bore you with another post about how heartbroken I have been since my last breakup. I am not missing the boy or the relationship or even the way I felt when he kissed my neck after a long day… I have been missing the woman I was before him. The woman B.C. (before Caleb) was tough and strong and chased happiness and laughter. The only thing I have been chasing recently is answers to questions that nobody could answer but the person who didn’t care enough to.

This week, I got the closure I have been so desperately seeking. And it came from the most unexpected source.

I am not proud to admit that I was once the other woman to my previous boyfriend. It is something I regret everyday and something that I should’ve known better about. He had built up his long-term girlfriend to be this awful monster who didn’t give him an ounce of love (something I know now not to be true) so in some sick twisted way, I justified being on the side for a little while. I thought I was showing my soulmate the love I knew he deserved. When he came clean about it to her, of course they broke up and of course she hated me. The months following consisted of Caleb’s friends sending him screenshots of what this girl was saying online about me.

You should believe me when I say I never expected to hear from this girl again. But would you believe me if I told you THIS girl was the one who gave me the closure I needed?

She had somehow found my blog and messaged me on Facebook to tell me how inspirational I was to her for leaving him when I did and being strong enough to speak so openly about it. She told me things people have been telling me since the breakup, things like he would never change and it wasn’t my fault that he was unfaithful. I had heard those two statements countless times these past few months. But somehow hearing it from someone who had also once been addicted to the drug that is my ex-boyfriend made me finally agree. Hearing it from someone who had no reason to be nice to me made me finally hear what has been said to me a million times.

IT

WAS

NOT

MY

FAULT.

She told me I had helped HER. I could never explain to her how much she had helped ME.

Though I wish that I could say something that could put an end to any & all of the pain and suffering you’re currently feeling, I am sad to say that I can’t. The words that saved me probably won’t save you. Your ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend probably won’t be as kind and loving as she was.

But I can tell you this: closure comes in the most surprising ways. Allow it from where it comes and appreciate it when it does… even if it long overdue and coming from the exact opposite of what you were hoping for. I spent the entire day today feeling weightless and… happy. I wasn’t scanning every room I walked into looking for a certain pair of blue eyes. I wasn’t daydreaming about what it would be like if things hadn’t of happened the way they did. I wasn’t wondering about him and most importantly, I wasn’t wondering about if he was wondering about me.

I am grateful for the mouthful of ‘forever’s he gave me during our numbered days. I am grateful for the love and safety he gave me every single time I held his hand. I am grateful for the things he taught me about myself. But most importantly, I am grateful for this closure.

I hope he has found the happiness and closure that I have.

Your Searching Soul,

Angelena