SIX TYPES OF FUCKBOYS

Ernest Hemingway once said, “write hard and clear about what hurts.”

So here I am, smashing the keys on my laptop complaining about constantly falling for the same type BOY over and over and over again.

No, I won’t turn this into a Burn Book (shout out to Mean Girls) where I post the name and picture of who I am talking mad shit about and then publishing it for all to see- though for some, I wish I could. I am not holding a grudge against any of these guys. I know they might be good guys in other aspects of life and maybe even to other girls. But when it came to dating (me)… they weren’t too good at it. I just thought it would be entertaining to read about some of the fuckboy trash I have dealt with in my lifetime. Some of them still follow me and may see this. Hey, boys.

TYPE ONE: The Workaholic Jackass.

This guy is the sneaky fuckboy. He is the one who amazes you with his work ethic. The guy that makes you think, “damn, finally, someone with a good head on their shoulders.” However, work is all he cares about. For some reason he seems to think that he is the President of the United States and if he can’t finish the one simple task he has to do, life is over and the world is doomed. You will never be enough for this guy. Guess what? The reason he is single is because he has no time or interest for an actual relationship- only almost ones. Don’t fall for Type One.

TYPE TWO: The Party Animal.

This is the fun guy who you’ll lock eyes with from across the room at your friend of a friend’s get together. He will reek of cigarettes and Natty Lite but he will have a smile that’ll get you just as drunk as the red solo cup in your hand. Your time together will consist almost entirely of going out and getting drunk off shitty whiskey and challenging other couples to beer pong matches. Type Two is a good time. But just like his tinder profile states, he is here for a good time… not a long time. Don’t date Type Two.

TYPE THREE: The Troubled Soul Who Only Cares About His Car.

We all know this one. This is the boy who yearns to be deep and intellectual, but at the end of the day comes up short. He is nothing more than a few intelligent thoughts and a bad attitude. He will dial your number in the middle of the night, claiming to have things on his mind that he wants to talk about. He will come to pick you up in his fancy sports car and take you back to his house. He will kiss you all night and then wake up next to you in the morning as if nothing happened. Don’t trust Type Three.

TYPE FOUR: The (WAY) Older Man.

Another sneaky one. You would think by the time they pass twenty-five that men might finally know what they want. But do not be fooled. This guy is nothing more than a horny teenager’s mind stuck in a horny middle-aged man’s body. He will pick you up in his beaten up “vintage” truck and make jokes about how “new age” you are. He will reference a shitty band whose first (and probably only) single released before you were even born in attempts to seem interesting and wise. Do not let him fool you... the greying hair is sexy, yes- but it is not a sign of wisdom. Do not let Type Four belittle you for your age. Don’t date Type Four.

TYPE FIVE: The One Who Is “Off Limits”.

If you’re anything like me, the forbidden fruit is what you crave the most. Sadly, I love things I can’t have, so I put myself into this situation that always ends with someone getting hurt. This is the guy you’ll rush towards because he brings this sense of danger into your life. Yes, feeling safe and secure with someone is wonderful… but the rush of chaos you get when you start seeing the guy you shouldn’t be seeing in the first place is better than sex. He will keep you wondering and he will keep you up late. Take my advice when I say that the sneaking around will get old and the rush of danger will get tiring. Don’t date Type Five.

TYPE SIX: The Newly Single One

Another classic choice for me. I flock towards people I have the opportunity to “save”, even when I am in no place to do so. I am a sucker for a guy with sad eyes and a broken heart. This guy is newly single and just looking for someone to help ease the fresh wound. You guys will spend countless days together, hiding from the world, and speaking of nothing but the future because you are both running from the past. You are Type Six’s rebound. Do yourself a favor and let Type Six heal before you fall head over heels.

Good luck.

Your Searching Soul,

Angelena