ALMOST LOVERS

“The saddest word in the whole wide world is the word almost.

He was almost in love.

She was almost good for him.

He almost stopped her.

She almost waited.

He almost lived.

They almost made it.”

Once again, as I am writing this I am surrounded by darkness, a cup of coffee, & the silence that only seems to appear at 3 A.M. The combination of the darkness, caffeine, & the silence has inspired me to write about a topic that I feel is so heavily prominent in society today and a topic that I struggle to wrap my head (and heart) around sometimes. Today we are talking about Almost Lovers.

I don’t know if it is just a college thing, but dating at this age sucks. Probably because, frankly, you aren’t really dating anyone. You’re just getting a few text messages here and there, shitty sex, and (if you’re lucky) a screenshot on your snapchat selfie. We have completely gotten rid of real relationships with real feelings and replaced them with something way worse… fake relationships with real feelings.

And I am guilty of this.

After my breakup last October, the last thing I wanted to do was give my freshly broken heart to someone new. So instead, I gave bits and pieces of myself to different people. I thought these almost relationships would give me what I thought I needed; safety from heartbreak and freedom from commitment. But somehow what I was doing made me feel more uneasy and trapped than I had ever been. The idea of being able to do whatever I wanted with whoever I wanted was nice. The attention was satisfying. But what wasn’t so nice was staying up half the night wondering who was sleeping next to the boy who I was sleeping next to last Tuesday and wondering why he was with her instead of me, and then wondering why I was wondering about it if he “didn’t matter to me.”

Because, well, let’s be honest… Of course whoever it was mattered to me. I have never been the kind of girl who could turn off her heart when it comes to ANYTHING.

Something I need to start remembering is that I am far too wonderful to be waiting around for a guy who only snapchats me when the sun goes down or when he’s had a little too much tequila. I am too good of a woman to be staying up late wondering why I haven’t heard from him in a few days or why the only time he ever seems to want to talk is after I post a bomb ass selfie on Instagram. I am far too great of a lover to be wasting my love and energy on someone who only thinks of undressing my body instead of someone who wants to undress my heart. I deserve someone who remembers that I take three sugars in my coffee and extra cheese on my pizza. I deserve someone who will keep repeating the same story over and over and over again just because I think it gets funnier every time. I deserve someone who will take me out for ice cream even though I am lactose intolerant and someone who will not get mad at me when I am complaining about it a few hours later.

But most importantly, I deserve someone who will love me like I love them, no matter the time of day.

And you do too.

Wait for that guy. I encourage you to do this: stop responding to that damn “you up?” text. Stop allowing these boys to make you feel like you deserve anything less than exactly what you want. YOU are in control of how your love life goes, don’t give anyone else that power. If hooking up is all you want to do, then GIRL GO GET SOME! But if you’re looking for a man… stop settling for little boys who aren’t ready to grow up and love a woman.

Your Searching Soul,

Angelena